by Bob Allen
I just couldn’t pass up these little rib tickler stories in my friend Jean Boney’s Jottings by Jean column in The Alamance News of Graham a few weeks ago, and sharing them with you:
We don’t stop laughing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop laughing!
The following smiles are geared to those who are older, but will be enjoyed by others who know elderly folks:
How to call the police when you're old
George Phillip of Meridian, Miss. was going up to bed when his wife told him that he”d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, “Are they in your house?” and he said, “no.” Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, “O.K.” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now “cause I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillip’s residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row, please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastors mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“ No.” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of that restaurant?”
“The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know — the one that’s red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
I saw an interesting sign I”d like to carry around with me to the lake and the beach. It read, “I don’t skinny dip — I chunky dunk!”
Last week’s column's responses
I was excited to hear from this reader about last week’s column.
William B. May of Wakefield had this to say: Good one. You hit on one of my favorite pet peeves — the superfluous AT.
Near the end you wrote: “With the temperature down to about 56 in the morning and only rising to the 70s or low 80s …
Wouldn’t it have been better to have said, Rising to only the 70s...? It seems that many journalists missplace (sic) the word ONLY.
I have a question — is it missplace or misplace? I enjoy your columns.
William: You asked a good question. The word is spelled misplace. And you may be correct where you suggested only be placed. I guess it’s of the hang-ups we journalists have.
One of few who give a darn
One of my long-time friends Biven Andersen of Wake Forest had this to write about last week’s column:
“I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to scream for the same reason you are bothered by the use of poor English. Also thought about e-mailing an editor or a columnist to do what you have done. Thank you for doing that. However, I feel that you and I are some of the few who give a darn.
Keep up the good work. We enjoy your column, especially when you mention Peggy.
Tropical storm Karen
As I am writing this on Saturday, I think all of us are glad to hear that Tropical Storm Karen will likely bring rain to the Triangle sometime Sunday night and into Monday. We need rain, but we hope it will not be too much in a short period of time which could result in flooding in low lying areas, and believe me, lately we surely have heard a lot about flooding hazards.
Right now, I’m glad we are still in a dry spell, otherwise my carefully groomed zoysia grass yard would be getting many deeply marked ruts from cars parking on it when checking out a yard sale across the street.
I guess I’m like most people who hate to see cars parking on their carefully kept lawns, but I’m trying my best to be patient and a good neighbor.
—Bob Allen, publisher emeritus of The Wake Weekly, welcomes and encourages your comments or suggestions at 919-556-3059 or firstname.lastname@example.org.