In the spirit of the high school football season, which kicks off in week, here are excerpts from beloved comedian Andy Griffith’s now famous 1953 monologue, a description of a college football game from a self-described “country bumpkin.”
It was back last October, I believe it was.
We was going to hold a tent service off at this college town, and we got there about dinner time on Saturday.
Different ones of us thought that we ought to get us a mouthful to eat before we set up the tent.
So we got off the truck and followed this little bunch of people through this small little bitty patch of woods there, and we came up on a big sign that says, “Get something to Eat Here.”
I went up and got me two hot dogs and a big orange drink, and before I could take a mouthful of that food, this whole raft of people come up around me and got me to where I couldn’t eat nothing, up like, and I dropped my big orange drink.
Well, friends, they commenced to move, and there wasn’t so much that I could do but move with them.
Well, we commenced to go through all kinds of doors and gates and I don’t know what- all, and I looked up over one of ‘em and it says, “North Gate.”
We kept on a-going through there, and pretty soon we come up on a young boy and he says, “Ticket, please.”
And I says, “Friend, I don’t have a ticket; I don’t even know where it is that I’m a-going!”
Well, we kept on a-moving through there, and pretty soon everybody got where it was that they was a-going, because they parted and I could see pretty good.
I seen was this whole raft of people a-sittin’ on these two banks and a-lookin at one another across this pretty little green cow pasture.
Somebody had took and drawed white lines all over it and drove posts in it, and I don’t know what all, and I looked down there and I seen five or six convicts a running up and down and a-blowing whistles.
I looked down there and I seen 30 or 40 men come a-runnin’ out of one end of a great big outhouse down there and everybody where I was a-settin’ got up and hollered!
I seen that the men had got in two little bitty bunches down there real close together, and they voted.
They elected one man apiece, and them two men come out in the middle of that cow pasture and shook hands like they hadn’t seen one another in a long time.
Then a convict came over to where they was a-standin’, and he took out a quarter and they commenced to odd man right there!
After a while I seen what it was they was odd-manning for.
It was that both bunchesfull of them wanted this funny lookin little pumpkin to play with.
Both bunchesful wanted that thing. One bunch got it and it made the other bunch just as mad as they could be!
Friends, I seen that evenin’ the awfulest fight that I ever have seen in all my life!! They would run at one -another and kick one- another and throw one another down and stomp on one another and grind their feet in one another and I don’t know what- all and just as fast as one of ‘em would get hurt, they’d take him off and run another one on!! …
I don’t know friends, to this day, what it was that they was a doin’ down there, but I have studied about it. I think it was that it’s some kindly of a contest where they see which bunchful of them men can take that pumpkin and run from one end of that cow pasture to the other without gettin’ knocked down or steppin’ in somethin’.